Society has come a long way in recent years in its understanding of queer concepts. Most people recognise now that sexual orientation and gender are two separate topics. Sexual orientation is a question of who you go to bed with, while gender is who you go to bed as. That being the case, it is perfectly possible for a transgender person to be straight or queer, just as it is for a cisgender person to be straight or queer. Still, they are related, and their intersection has been interesting to me lately.
A few months ago, my brother asked me if I still considered myself gay having come out as non-binary. I said that I preferred the term “queer” now, and we moved onto other topics, but I was secretly delighted with the question, as it was something I’d been mulling over for quite some time.
The way we describe our sexual orientation tends to be fixed, though lately we’ve found more expansive ways to describe its nuanced and intricate nature. For a non-binary person, the nature of the self is less set in stone, in many ways. What does my trans identity mean for my own sexual orientation?
In my case, the type of person I’m attracted to hasn’t really changed. It’s me that’s changed, having made peace with the shifting nature of my gender. This could be rather unsettling to some – we depend on the stability of our identity to work out where we “fit” in the world.
To bring myself, authentically, to the table. I appreciate that my experience is quite specific, but I think there’s a broader lesson to be learned here. Worrying about whether I play the role of a “man” or “woman” in a relationship is beside the point. What I’m talking about is relinquishing the idea of the static self more broadly, embracing the idea that we’re not locked permanently into any one identity – trans or no.
A lot of what keeps us stuck in this society is the refusal to be fluid, to take on new information and allow it to change us. We can get very attached to a certain notion of who we are, and become a slave to it. The truth is, who we are is determined by our reactions to other people and situations. If we can make friends with the idea of an unstable self, it can be enriching and fulfilling in myriad ways.
Many of the problems in our society today are the result of a cultivated “us-versus-them” mentality. We’re encouraged to believe that trans people are the problem, gay people are the problem, because of what they take from us. Of course, people have their differences – that’s wonderful, and we would never want to change that – but if we allow our conception of ourselves to be more changeable, then we could potentially disarm this way of thinking for good.
In the end, it’s easier to be a reed moving with the wind, than an iron rod, fighting against it. Liberating myself from gender norms freed me in countless other ways.
—
As society has gained a better understanding of queer concepts in recent years, it has become clear that sexual orientation and gender are two separate topics. Sexual orientation is who you go to bed with, while gender is who you go to bed as. This is why it’s perfectly possible for a transgender person to be straight or queer, just as it is for a cisgender person to be straight or queer.
This intersection of gender and sexual orientation is especially interesting for me personally, as someone who has come out as non-binary. I used to consider myself gay, but now I prefer the term “queer”. This change has made me wonder about the nature of sexual orientation and how it relates to the self.
For a non-binary person, the self is less set in stone, and sexual orientation can be more fluid. It’s not as simple as being exclusively attracted to one gender or another. The type of person someone is attracted to may not change, but the understanding of oneself and their gender identity can.
This shift can be unsettling, as we tend to depend on the stability of our identities to understand where we fit in the world. However, letting go of this static notion of self and embracing its fluidity can lead to a more enriched and fulfilling existence.
Unfortunately, society has a tendency to encourage an “us-versus-them” mentality. There is a false belief that trans people or gay people are the problem, as they take away from “normalcy”. However, if we allow ourselves to be more changeable in our conceptions of self, this mentality can potentially be disarmed for good.
Liberating ourselves from gender norms can have a vast impact on our lives, freeing us in countless other ways. It’s more important to be like a reed moving with the wind, rather than an iron rod fighting against it.
