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OPINION: “Did I say that in the correct way? It’s so loud here. Am I doing this right?”
These are the kinds of thoughts that run through my mind every day.
While other teenage girls might be thinking about friends, schoolwork, or their favourite hobbies, I spend most of my time trying to survive in a strange world.
I’m shy, I’m creative, I’m different… And I’m autistic.
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So okay, I’m not the stereotype of an autistic person, obsessed with trains and math (my marks in math are usually pretty average).
I do, however, enjoy writing stories, running, and hanging out with animals.
While I may be quiet and awkward around strangers, I doubt that anyone who has heard me talking about my pet kunekune pigs would call me silent.
Some of my behaviours may seem odd to others, like how I click my fingers and hum when I’m stressed, or how I flap my hands and spin when I’m happy.
I see and react to the world in a different way to others, and I embrace it.
But it’s not always easy.
I didn’t know much about autism until I got into high school, and was only diagnosed with it this year.
Growing up, I was always viewed as the shy girl.
While other girls gossiped in groups and did whatever it is that primary school kids do, I preferred to write a story or read a book alone.
Some teachers tried to get me to make friends by telling me to join another group of girls at lunchtime.
They tried awkwardly to include me in their conversations, yet I fled as soon as the bell went.
I wasn’t lonely, I just didn’t find socialising with my classmates interesting.
In my friend group, I was the “weird one”.
Despite my attempts to fit in with the others, there always seemed to be a huge difference between me and them. Sometimes I even thought that I was a different species altogether.
My self-esteem was extremely low, and bullies found plenty of reasons to shun me.
It made me feel like even more of a failure, as I just couldn’t seem to be like other people.
I was more sensitive to loud noises, worried about things that didn’t bother anyone else, and found socialising exhausting.
I developed anorexia in year 8, and spent December of that year in hospital.
It loaded more stress onto me, and was joined by a new experience the following year – high school.
Roaring noise, crowded corridors, social cues thrown at me in every situation… It was overloading.
I managed as well as I could, but the stress had to come out somehow.
This came in outbursts, ones that I hid from others as well as I could.
A relapse of anorexia in Year 10 fatigued me further, bringing me to a point where I couldn’t see the point in living any more.
The things that motivated me to recover that time were my hopes to help others in need.
I wanted to live a life helping other people and animals to enjoy their lives. I wanted to make a positive change.
That, alongside encouragement from my friends and family, helped me to break free from the terrible eating disorder.
I had a long and difficult battle to fight, but it is much easier now than it used to be.
Getting a diagnosis for autism has definitely helped.
My family, friends, and companion animals all support me when times get hard.
While I love being autistic, and would never want it to go away, I still have troubles.
The anxiety that I get turns into overload, which is like filling a glass with water.
The noise, sensations and stress pour in until I cannot hold it any longer, causing a meltdown.
I scream, throw things, cry, and say awful things to my family.
It’s like being in auto-drive because I cannot control it, and it’s scary, but I’m learning to find ways to prevent it.
When I’m stressed, I practice calm breathing and go for a walk if it gets too much.
Being with animals is like an escape for me, as they are soothing and they never judge me (unless I’m acting truly nutty with my dog, but she loves it anyway).
I think that we could all be happier together, autistic or not, if we judged each other less.
When you next see someone acting unusual, try thinking from their point of view before you instantly assume that they are weird.
Everyone has their own quirks, and those quirks are the things that make us all amazing. Uniqueness and diversity is good; let’s embrace it.
The writer’s name has been withheld for their privacy.
Where to get help for an eating disorder
1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor.
Healthline 0800 611 116, available 24/7
EDANZ 0800 2 EDANZ – Support for family of those with an eating disorder.
If you think you are suffering from an eating disorder, see your GP immediately for a referral to specialist services.
If it is an emergency or you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111.
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